Freshman year of college, I received a phone call early in the morning that woke me up. It was from my sister. Through a muffled, sobbing voice she told me of the passing of our grandfather. Since then, whenever I am roused late at night or early in the morning by a call or text, my heart skips a beat.
Thankfully, many nights my worries are dispelled. It usually is a fun text, a friendly reminder about something happening the next day, or a wrong number. Last night my wake up call was not one of these.
All day I have been thinking of the quote in the The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini.
"...there is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft...When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness."
More than a phone was stolen last night. The right to health and wellness was stolen. Sense of security and comfort was stolen. But hopefully one thing given can help: the awareness of being loved.
For a few years, in many ways, my life has been at a standstill. I'm in the same place with nothing to add to my professional resume. Though I do not feel that this time has been wasted. I have learned much about myself. Learned my limits: physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Now though, things could change in a big way. It all depends on something that will be decided by a person or a group over 500 miles away. And it terrifies me. I turned in my application almost a month ago, but weeks of traveling distracted me. Two nights ago it took me hours to fall asleep. The anxiety of what the future could hold enveloped my thoughts.
But then yesterday I realized that the future will come and things will work out the way they're supposed to. So I decided to just enjoy the ride. Last night I was able to sleep without a problem.
Went to the doctor's today As I was leaving I Passed a security guard who Looked tired but Still smiled and Said "Good morning" I reciprocated this Happy greeting with A "Good morning" In return of his Then he asked pensively "Is it still morning?". A sure sign that He's been patrolling since well Before the sun came up
All of us have it. It's called ambition. The call we hear inside to aspire to do and be something greater. The books I have been reading lately (e.g. The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown, Paulo Coelho novels, and The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch) center around a person's need for accomplishment. And it has got me to thinking. What do I want to accomplish? There's no best way to answer this, but I can say some overly general paths I want to walk towards.
I want... 1. to do something that will affect others in a positive way, to give them the drive for life that I feel. This is first and foremost. 2. to be able to say that I feel no hatred towards others. Though I may disagree with people and situations, I want to be in a state where I can at least be understanding. (This is inspired by A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson - which I'm still in the process of reading) 3. to take on tasks I see others take which I at first think is too much work or which intimidate me. 4. to continue to work at things I don't have an innate talent for but still enjoy doing. 5. to be a person that can be counted on.
Note: Many of these were reinforced by itsrichelle.
"I heard that movie sucked" "I don't like that song" "Golf is so boring"
I think we've all heard comments such as these before. Sometimes when we hear these remarks, it might change how we feel about a certain thing. We're all entitled to our own opinions. But I believe it's important for me to not let another person's judgment affect my perception.
A few days ago, my friend Johnny said the first comment to me. He was responding to the fact that I had rented The Bucket List from Netflix. Having not even placed the movie into my DVD player yet, I knew I would already own a bias towards it. And that annoyed me.
I watched the movie the next day. Some people might have disliked it, but I surely didn't. What we enjoy is tied to our past individual experiences. Having spent a considerable amount of time in a hospital (like the main characters of the movie), I was able to make a connection that perhaps many others would not be able to. When you're laying on a hospital bed, much of your thoughts are what you will do if and when you are once again free from the confinements of convalescence. I found that many of the situations presented in the film parallel those which I have gone through.
I've tried many times to post something on this here blog, but all the drafts have been left unfinished. Not this one though. I'm determined to complete it and hit publish.
Not everyone knows this because I didn't share it with too many people, but for much of the summer I suffered from a quite painful ailment, which precluded me from doing many things. The pain was excruciating. It would happen four to six times a day and I could do nothing but let out moans and squeeze someone or something with my hand until the pain subsided. Pain was one thing, but the worst of it was the fear of the pain. Living in constant fear of the return of when the pain would return was absolutely debilitating. Many times I would wake up from the pain and scream and clutch something until it went away, then be unable to sleep again. Of all the things I have experienced in my life, those weeks caused me the most fear ever. I stayed in my house for weeks, praying for the pain to never return again.
Spending months at home caused me to do much thinking. Thinking about the past. Thinking about the present. Thinking about the future. When the pain finally looked like it was gone for good, the relief I felt was immeasurable. It was as if I was breaking free from the physical and psychological prison that held me captive for what seemed like an eternity. The ups and downs of the last few years and the last few months have changed me forever. I feel like I once again have a renewed passion for life.
In the spirit of that passion, I've been traveling.
I visited my sister and brother-in-law in Washington. The Great Northwest is definitely a majestic place with trees everywhere. We did the touristy things like visiting the space needle, the first Starbucks, and the Public Market where the fish store workers throw fish. My favorite part though was hiking through the forests. We saw many waterfalls. At one point I said to Ate, "I can't believe that just a month ago I was lying in bed, suffering from the worst pain of my life, and now I'm standing in front of one of the highest waterfalls in the world." I definitely felt free in Washington. I could live there."
I also went to the San Jose area for my roommate Justin's wedding. A lot of fun. Hanging out with my dorm friends is always pretty crazy. They are a hilarious group. It got me truly excited for the three weddings of other friends coming up in the next year. I can't believe how fast life is going now.
After San Jose I went to the Bay Area and spent some time there. Also tons of fun. Thanks to Em, Vaughn, and Camizzle for housing me. A grand tour of Union City. Karaoke night at The Mint. Berkeley roaming. Bear's Lair revisited. All good times.
Planning for future trips is also in the works. Another trip to the Bay for a cousin's wedding. A few snow trips to break in my board and gear. A trip to the Philippines. Hopefully three or four Disneyland visits. And to end, here's the Disney song that inspired the title of this post. I will continue to be inspired, and I hope you will be too.
